In the Moment
I am Numb
I am disconnected
I can’t feel my emotions
I want to run away
But I can’t move
I am messed-up
I feel so overwhelmed
I can’t escape
I am breathing
but barely alive
Get me out of my mind
Get me out of this mess
All these thoughts are killing me!
Just get me out!
I moved to California in the summer time
I changed my name thinking that it would change my mind
I thought that all my problems they would stay behind
I was a stick of dynamite and it was just a matter of time, yeah
All day, all night, now I can’t hide
Said I knew myself but I guess I lied
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
I wrote a hundred pages but I burned them all
(Yeah, I burned them all)
I drove through yellow lights and don’t look back at all
I don’t look back at all Yeah, you can call me reckless,
I’m a cannonball (uh, I’m a cannonball)
Don’t know why I take the tightrope and cry when I fall
All day, all night, now I can’t hide
Said I knew what I wanted but I guess I lied
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright
Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright
Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright
Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright
To be lost sometimes
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
I’ve gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don’t want less
I don’t want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe to keep me warm
Yeah my life is what I’m fighting for
Can’t part the sea
Can’t reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won’t let this pull me overboard
God keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown
It gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
So pull me up from down below
‘Cause I’m underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now I need you most
God keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown
It gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
Keep my head above water above water
And I can’t see in the stormy weather
I can’t seem to keep it all together
And I can’t swim the ocean like this forever
And I can’t breathe
God keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me
I’ll be waiting
I’m too young to fall asleep
God keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown
It gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
Keep my head above water above water
Nobody asks for trouble in their lives
But sometimes trouble comes your way
If you ask for it or not
So, life was always a bit of a struggle
With undiagnosed ADHD, Dyslexia and
so many other traumas,
I didn’t even realise it, at that time
Life was not easy at all
Especially not in school
So, my life was, No, it IS difficult
Everything was a struggle
To read
To wright
To learn
To make friends
To connect
Shame, Fear and Guilt
Was my shadow
it was just something in my life
I didn’t know better
Nobody was aware of my struggles
But I was always aware of it
I was bullied because of it
I was called names because of it
I was left out because of it
I didn’t know how to tell anyone
I hadn’t had the vocabulary at that time
I hadn’t had the emotional strength to confront it
I was a kid, with no knowledge
I was aware, something was not right
But what was wrong?
I was a kid, in an unsafe world
Eventually, life becomes better
I choose to be happy
I choose to not think of the past
Everything went fine
It was working for me
Everything was simply fine
But really? Nothing was fine
I have pressed everything down
Until that one day
That unexpected day
A day that was supposed to be fun
That day, everything changed
My life was thrown into darkness
My life changed
I didn’t ask for it
It just happened
A tree, I didn’t saw
I walk into it
I bumped my head
It was extremely hard
Everything changed in a second
My life was pulled out, under me
Flashbacks started
Tiredness kicked in
Pain in my body was numbing me
Nightmares kept me awake
Fear was over showering my being
My brain was broken
I was broken
What was wrong?
After some research
It becomes clear
It is called CPTSD
My life was upside-down
Every Trauma I went through
Was flashing in front of me
I was thrown into a tornado
I had no control over myself
My emotions were scrabbled
My mind was crazy
I couldn’t sleep
I couldn’t work
I couldn’t live
But I was still living
Life was going on
But my life STOPPED for a while
That is how everything started
It’s still a struggle
But life is going on
Some days I live
Some days I drown
Some days I die
Some days are just empty
and some days are only a blur
But life is going on…
and this is the reason
for all the inside feelings
I am pouring out into writing
You might like it or hate it
But this is my journey
The journey of MY CPTSD
CPTSD Crash 