Author: ComplexPTSD Crash

Canyon Light (Day 5)

Rise and shine,
It’s a brand new day,
With the stars still in the sky.
The birds are still asleep
It’s still dark in the canyon.
We pack everything up,
Now we wait for the light,
But we can walk in the dark,
So off we go,
With a headlamp and
A shining moonlight star,
Guiding us on our way.
We reach the 80 mark in the dark,
A photo to remember,
A sip of water, cooling down.
We carry on, step by step,
It’s only ten kilos to go.
Everyone is excited,
As we near the end,
We stay together,
Step by step.
The sun comes up,
We take a break,
A group photo with smiling faces,
We forget our pain.
Three want to jump,
I will stay on the ground.
As we go forward,
The end draws nearer,
We follow the shining pipe,
And the dusty road.
Near the end, we wait,
For everyone to catch up,
As I stand,
I look down and, in the Sand,
As He promised in silence
There is a last Heart Rock
Just for me from my Lord
Thank You for guiding me!
A photo of “Amper Daar.”
I’m tired and wish I were done.
A photo of “Cold Beer”
For my hubby and the leader,
So proud.
As we come closer to the camp,
Day hikers greet us with a smile,
“You are almost there!
Congratulations, you are almost done!”
They sound as we pass.
Then I see the camp,
I shout out, “Yeeeeeeah!!”
The next moment
all the campers appeared,
Clapping their hands in jubilee.
We are back!
I’m so glad,
The bell is ringing,
Welcoming us back.
We hang our bags,
And I start to cry,
I am so relieved,
I can let it out now
I need to sit,
I need a break,
But urticaria wants to
Show up once again,
For the last time,
And it hits me hard in the lung.
I need a shot right away.
I start to shake,
It might be shock,
I lay down on the cold floor,
Covered with a blanket
Trying to stop the shakes.
A few are concerned about me,
And ask if I’m alright,
But I’m just fine!
Just got shivers and shakes,
But I’m alive!
I’m so proud,
I didn’t die,
When I thought I couldn’t go on!
We are safe now!
We are home!
Hungry and thirsty,
Burgers, beer and Coke
We celebrated our victory.
Thank you, Fish River Canyon,
For testing me to my core
Body, spirit, and mind.
I am exhausted,
But I’m proud
I’m Alive!
Life is precious,
Even though it is hard!
I am a survivor,
Not only of the canyon,
But of life!

Canyon Suffocating (Day 4)

A new morning,
A fresh, cool morning.
The canyon birds are singing,
I hope this is a good day!
I’m still exhausted and tired,
But it’s okay.
We are almost there,
Another two days to spare.
I will make it!
I’m a canyon survivor,
I did it once,
I can do it again.
After coffee and oats,
Ready to go!
This day is an easy day,
They say!
Really?
Sand, rocks, dust, boulders, and sweat,
It all lies ahead of us,
But we are ready.
Five kilometres in,
We get the first water tank,
Whoo-Whoo!!
I start walking slowly,
Towards the cliff,
Then I hear,
“Wrong side, you must go up here!”
What???
No!!!
I don’t have energy for another hill,
But up we go,
It’s destroying me.
I try my best,
And then the leader comes back,
“Take my backpack to the top,”
My leg muscles don’t want to
push me straight anymore,
My knee gives way under me.
I kind of feel helpless,
But I’m pushing myself,
I reach the top,
Out of breath.
The leader tells me,
“Breathe in,
Keep it for a second,
And breathe out,”
So, I catch my breath again,
Ready again.
Downhill we go,
Step by step,
We reach the bottom,
Forward we go.
We reach the 50 mark,
I’m nauseous,
But it’s not a new feeling,
I felt nauseous from day one,
Now, my hubby and I,
We are nauseous from the salty water taste.
The leader provides us with a zofer,
I’m so grateful for such a small pill.
We sit down to catch our breath,
A picture would be nice,
But I’m wasted,
It’s hard for me,
I’m suffocating here.
And then, the unexpected
urticaria knocks me hard,
It’s in my lungs,
I try to keep calm,
But I get anxious,
I tell myself,
“You’ll be okay!”
We must get going again,
Oh no! Just give me a second,
I need a shot,
Anxiety overtakes,
Just breathe!
The first shot is in,
I wait a while,
Second shot, straight in the vein,
I get ready to walk again,
I’m a little bit shaky,
But off we go.
All I can think of is,
One step at a time,
And then…
Oh, look, people!
We meet up,
I am exhausted,
I feel pale,
So we greet and move forward,
Uphill till we reach,
The orange water tank,
Get fresh water,
No filtering,
Mmm, lekker water!
So Pink Palace is ahead of us,
Everyone is talking about a cold beer,
I wish!
I’m not allowed to have alcohol,
Hopefully, they have a cold Coke.
Well, it’s another five kilometres,
Slowly I’m moving forward,
I am so tired,
We move forward,
We are six hundred meters away,
I drag myself forward,
I want to faint,
I just can’t go any faster,
Suddenly my hubby says,
“Look, they got a ride…”
What the F#@!
I was mad!
They got a kilometre less to walk.
I reach the PINK PALACE,
I drop my backpack,
Lay down and try to relax,
Oh, lekker coke,
I drink it fast.
Then the words,
“Clean your backpack,
Throw away your trash,”
Ugggh!!!
Oh, get out all the food,
Give it to Robert the water guy,
My backpack isn’t lighter,
I get a second Coke,
Down it.
Then the music starts,
They shake their bodies,
I’m asking, “Where the hell
Do you get all this energy from?”
“Let’s go, guys!” shouts the leader,
And the existing group,
Sends us off with a song.
I ponder forth,
I have energy,
But not for long,
I hit a brick wall,
Everyone is waiting for me,
It’s a hill,
I can’t.
Hubby pushes me from the back,
The leader pulls me from the front,
I reach halfway,
I can’t go on,
A panic attack is close,
He prayed for me,
I can go on,
But I can’t talk,
I’m exhausted,
Only one step at a time,
For every heart rock, I see,
I say thank You!
I want to pick them up,
But it’s too much energy that gets lost,
Then the Lord said,
“You don’t have to thank Me,
I know your heart,
It’s there for your encouragement!”
Then He said,
“You don’t have to pick them up,
They are already locked up in your heart,”
Then I ask Him,
“Will you give me one more
Before the end?”
He didn’t reply,
I asked if He will help me,
‘Cause I feel like dying,
Then He replied and said,
“Did I ever leave you alone?
I am faithful even when you are not!
I carried you through a desert path,
Once before, I will not abandon you now!”
I wanted to cry,
But I was too tired to shed a tear,
Eventually, we reach our camp,
I collapse on the sand and
Lay there for a while,
But the tent must go up,
We get ready for the night,
My legs hurt,
I want to sleep,
After everything is done,
We lie down and fall asleep.

Canyon Crazy (Day 3)

It’s Wednesday,
Halfway through.
The longest day lies ahead,
with twenty-two kilometres to cover.
The snoring monster was quiet,
and no sound came from him during the night.
I was so grateful for that.
Everything is running smoothly.
I had coffee, oats, and an adrenaline shot.
I feel good,
So, we start the day.

The sun is still behind the mountain,
it’s cool and refreshing,
but not for long.
The sun starts burning bright
as sand, rocks, boulders, and heat surround us.
As we walk through the mountains,
hot streams cross our path,
and then it’s cold again.
What an enjoyable experience.
It’s a long, long day
as we walk through the desert life.

Just as thirty years ago when
I was going through the same canyon,
heart rocks keep popping up.
Back then, it was a strange new thing to me,
but at this stage, I am used to it.
I picked up a “few” heart rocks and
took pictures of the ones I couldn’t pick up.
We keep moving forward.

We come across a water pool,
and everyone is busy refreshing themselves.
I see one couple making their way
to the shadow of a rock, I follow them.
We start sharing stories,
the rest of the group catches up.
Then we started walking again.
I say to the couple,
“I can’t speak to you now.
I need the energy to move forward.”

We walk on sinking sand again,
It’s an energy-draining walk.
It’s hot, and my energy drops.
So, I say to myself,
“Just one step at a time.
Take your time.”
I keep moving forward.
That’s all that matters.
Eventually, we reach a beautiful place
with rocks and boulders to climb over.
You feel like you can’t get over the rocks,
but somehow, you just keep going,
and then you reach the beautiful green ice water.

I go and sit down on a cold rock,
drop my backpack,
take some breaths,
and try to find my feet.
They’re burning like hell,
I wonder if I can take another step.
Then I hear someone calls my name:
“Bring your bottles,
we must fill them up.”
I feel discouraged,
but I get up again
I make my way down to the water.
Everyone takes off their shoes,
So, I do the same.
The water is so cold
it burns my toes,
but it’s so refreshing.

I look up at the mountain next to us,
there, in the rock, is a heart.
I look over, and I see a cross.
It gives me new energy to go on.
We go over the big boulders
and eventually reach our camp.
But there is no water.
I can’t take another step.
I take a breath.
Must we go on for another five kilometres?
Oh wait, someone read the post.
There is water five hundred meters away.
Oh, what a relief.

We put up our camp,
purify some water,
make some food,
and soon after,
get into bed.
Oh, how wonderful it is
to lie down again.

God Is In This Story
Song by Big Daddy Weave and Katy Nichole

Lyrics
There’s torn up pages in this book
Words that tell me I’m no good
Chapters that defined me for so long
But the hands of grace and endless love
Dusted off and picked me up
Told my heart that hope is never gone

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I’m at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story

So if the storm you’re walking through
Feels like it’s too much and you
Wonder if He even cares at all
Well, hold on tight to what you know
He promised He won’t let you go
Your song of healing’s written in His scars

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I’m at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story

If it reads like addiction
If it reads like disease
He’s the One who frees the prisoner
He’s the healer of all things
If it reads like depression
If it reads broken home
He’s the One who holds your sorrow
He won’t leave you here alone

God is in this story
God is in the details
Even in the broken parts
He holds my heart, He never fails
When I’m at my weakest
I will trust in Jesus
Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me

Always in the highs and lows
The One who goes before me
God is in this story (you’re in this story)
God is in my story (right here in my story)

Canyon Vespa Adventure (Dag 2)

On the second day
in the Mighty Canyon,
We pack up
While everyone discusses the monster
The one that disturbed
everyone’s sleep the night before.
Oh, and then his words:
“I didn’t sleep?!”
He proclaims to the recording,
“Sorry for you,
there are still,
three nights to come…
Good Luck!! Hahaha!!!”

My leg burned throughout the night
caused by the adrenaline shot.
With the monster and a burning leg,
sleep was abandoned.
I was very tired
I prayed so hard,
“Lord, please
don’t let him snore tonight.
We need our sleep!”

Starting off tired,
only coffee was served,
no breakfast.
The sun rises,
the desert birds sing
as we carry on
step by step.
The start is good,
even though
I didn’t sleep much
and didn’t eat.
I feel empowered
by my surroundings.

The leader said to me,
“The old guy (73) didn’t rest,
he just carried on slowly,
but he was moving forward!”
That was just what I
needed to hear at that moment.
I needed to keep my momentum
and keep pushing forward.
There is no way out except
by taking a step forward.

We arrived at the Vespa,
a new excitement arose inside me.
I thought of all the thousands
of people who crossed this path before me,
each with their own expectations,
memories, and goals.
We took memorial pictures
and then started again.

The sun was hot,
The boulders were difficult.
My toes burned with blisters.
The sand slowed me down,
it was so hot
it burned through my shoes.
But just when it felt like too much,
the boulders appeared again.
Slowly, I moved from one rock to another,
tapping into all my energy.

Sip, sip, sip.
The water was tasteful,
our energy booster was working.
I breathed with concentration,
everything working together
for a smooth sailing through
the Mighty hot Canyon.

We arrived at the hot spring,
where the water was boiling hot.
Just a few feet away,
there was ice-cold water
where we dropped down,
cooling our burning feet.
We rested for a while,
packed up, and started again.
Just a kilometre ahead,
we set up our camp.
The tents popped up,
water was filtered,
food was prepared,
and night fell.
It was a good day!
Sweet dreams
until tomorrow.

Canyon Journey Exhaustion (Day 1)

The sun rises,
The birds start to sing.
We wake up,
Our journey begins.
We are excited,
We can’t wait.
Our backpacks are ready,
Heavy but steady.
What lies ahead of us?
We don’t know yet,
But excitement is our guide.

We get in the shuttle,
We drive off into the dust.
We laugh and joke,
Chat and mount.
But we are ready,
For this adventure.
The sun is hot,
Our hearts are glad.
Ready or not,
Here we come!

We arrive at the start,
Unpack our bags and off we go.
First, a group picture,
Everyone puts their bags on their backs.
The descent starts,
We go slowly.
I lock the chain,
Take a memorable picture,
Smile and proceed.
I am excited,
Maybe too excited.
Adrenaline starts pumping,
Through my being.
I shake,
My knee wants to give way under me.
I keep cool,
My heart beats like crazy.
Every step shakes,
But I keep going.
The sun is extremely hot,
I sip water.
The hat irritates me,
I get frustrated.

We reach the bottom of the canyon,
We keep moving.
It is almost Lunch,
We stop and take a break.
My shaky knee,
Commands all my attention.
I apply a plaster to keep it stable.
I am hungry,
I eat all my snacks.
Biltong, droë wors, and nuts.
We start again,
I walk fast through the sinking sand.
We stop and rest again,
Then I start to follow the wrong path.
Everyone passes me by,
Anxiety takes hold of me.
I am fearful but don’t let it show.
We carry on, but I am suffering.
My body is in shock,
I am too hot.
Everyone is ahead of me.
We take a little break,
But then I say,
“I mustn’t panic right now.”
Then the panic attack,
Takes hold of me from behind.
I start to cry,
I want out,
But I can’t.

We get up and press on,
Step by step.
But I want to give up,
The second-last stop,
I fall down on the ice-cold rock.
Life is slowly leaving me,
I can’t carry on…
Just leave me here,
So I can die,
I can’t go on,
I want to leave my body here.

But then I get up again,
And stumble through.
Energy is leaving my body,
I feel it escaping.
I can’t speak,
I can only put one foot in front of the other.
I am exhausted,
My mind is tired.
It wants to explode within my head,
I can’t think,
I can’t speak,
I can’t listen,
Don’t touch me,
Just one step at a time.

The leader comes back,
Rescues me from my backpack,
But still,
I can’t think,
I can’t speak,
I can’t listen,
Don’t touch me,
I am exhausted.

My husband and I,
Reach the campsite with applause.
I sit down,
Too tired to do anything.
After a few minutes,
We manage to set up the tent,
For the night.
We purify the water for the next day,
I just hold the bags.
I can’t speak,
I only make hand signs.
“If you don’t understand my silence,
You would never understand my words!”

We eat and go to bed,
But no sleep is allowed,
By the snoring monster next to me.
I don’t sleep at all,
And that’s how the next morning arrives.

Lost in silence

I feel the urge to strangle myself
I want to hang myself, in a tree
I yearn for death
and to be laid to rest beneath the ground
I long to be free from the pain inside of me
Free me, set me free!
Free from the acquisitions I carry within
I feel so isolated in an unfamiliar place
Then Jesus appeared and sat beside me
In silence, we know we are together for now
I don’t know why He came
but He just seems to know my pain
In silence, a sense of peace washes over me
He is simply there, sitting with me

Stay in

Don’t get up
Today, I won’t leave my bed
My intention is to stay here
I’ll try to find myself amidst this mess
My heart feels as heavy as a stone
But don’t worry
I will sink to the bottom of the ocean
Where fish will be my friends
and all my sorrows will disappear