Author: ComplexPTSD Crash

Welcome to my odyssey through Complex PTSD. It started unexpectedly on August 9th, 2021, during a challenging 12 km hike. The morning was calm, the air crisp, and our spirits high as we set off. Eager and ecstatically happy, we embarked on this unforeseen difficult adventure. However, merely five hundred meters in, I found myself falling behind. Determined to catch up, I quickened my pace, glancing at my watch. And then... a tree materialized before me, greeting me with a terrible greeting. From that moment, everything shifted... thus marking the start of my life-changing journey into the world of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Intense pain

ComplexPTSD Crash

Unbelievably

Why should I cry for help
When the pain is so
unbelievably intense and deep?
I can’t see the light
My heart is screaming out
I despise my past
And I hate what I have done
I desired to be better
But better isn’t for me
All this messed-up stuff is hurting me
Not just the pain of my identity
But all the crap that has happened to me
I am furious at the world for causing me pain
Yet, I can’t escape and travel to space
Space has no place for me
All I can do is float around
So, I remain on Earth,
hoping the pain will fade away
Even the grave doesn’t want me there
The quicksand refuses to take me in
I am buried in so much pain
My heart feels like it will shatter into a thousand pieces
No one can fix me anymore
I am lost in the black hole within myself
No escape, no return, no answers,
only unbelievably intense pain

Bleeding inside

ComplexPTSD Crash

Hurt

I want to hurt myself for all the wrongs I have done
I want to get a tattoo of a snake or two,
but I know it might be painful
I carry unseen scars within me
I am in immense pain,
feeling like I’m bleeding to death
I know, I should have compassion for myself,
but the pain is overwhelming
I long to escape the agony within me
Though broken, I will still stand
Bleeding like a hunted deer
I will persevere through it
Even if I feel dead inside

Out Burst

ComplexPTSD Crash

Anger

Anger was bursting within me
I needed to control the anger inside of me
I wanted to smash my heart within my chest
So, I clenched my hand, preventing self-infliction pain
But still, I did hurt myself
I am angry with myself
I harmed myself in pursuit of freedom
I wanted to understand what was wrong with me
Yet, instead, I struck my heart with force
But it failed to take the pain away
Now I strive to resolve my deep-seated pain
I haven’t let it go; it remains within me
I think about jumping off the roof
Not to end my life,
but to escape the intense inner pain
Help me dig deep and free myself,
from all the pain that lives inside of me

New Chapter

ComplexPTSD Crash

Congratulations

Congratulations, you are free now
With a master’s degree to show
You have conquered knowledge through life’s experiences
Enduring extreme trauma, drama and turmoil
You’ve travelled the path for forty-seven “fruitful” years,
Wearing the scars of life with pride
Now, equipped with a life degree.
Embrace the road ahead of you, with joy and peace,
as you lay down the brutality that you have endured
You’ve earned your life’s diploma
May its light, never fade away
Embrace the freedom, bestowed upon you,
Live your life to the fullest, as you’re destined to do.
Look forward and succeed,
live your life, paint it in vibrant colours,
leaving behind the shadows of black and whites
You’ve earned this degree, with compassion and grace
Now, embark on your journey, a new chapter to embrace.


A new chapter, riddled with fear and anxiety awaits
no one asked for the haunting presence of
flashbacks and nightmares
but life threw an unexpected curve ball at you
unexpected, unforeseen, on a sunny day
your life came to a sudden stillstand
This new chapter began in a blink of an eye
without any warning or indication
you can’t turn back the page,
nor revisit the words of the last sentence
You didn’t seek this new Chapter in your life
cause the previous one seemed perfectly fine
Sufficient for you to continue living
Yet, it sneaked up on you and knocked you over
With fear, anxiety, flashbacks nightmares and an
uncertain future looming before you
You tremble with fear, for what lies ahead of you!

Why?

ComplexPTSD Crash

Why?

Terrified and trembling,
I went forth today,
Seeking an escape
from the turmoil inside of me
My vision clouded,
dimmed by fear’s haze,
But then, my eyes caught sight
I saw the tip of the iceberg.
But I was already too far away
so I was sinking into
the depths of the ocean,
Suddenly, a rescuer arrived,
setting me free from drowning.
Though I didn’t see Him,
I felt His guiding hand,
“Why wouldn’t You let me drown?”
I asked, surprised.
He didn’t reply,
but I understood deep within
His love for me cut deeper
than my mortal sin.

New Life

ComplexPTSD Crash

Birth

When I entered this world,
I emerged from the depths of a black hole.
Seeing the light,
I believed I had escaped the darkness,
But soon realized
I was still trapped within something new.
For three more days,
I hid within a tub,
Aware that my mom and dad were there for me,
Yet, feeling alone and isolated.
I couldn’t return to where I came from,
But being here was not what I desired.
I screamed silently within,
I was unable to hear my dad,
Lost and fearful within myself.
Then, he arrived and rescued me,
Placing me in a car alongside you.
Somehow, I recognized you,
though you didn’t know me jet,
I loved you deeply,
but you held some distance at first
Now I know you are always by my side,
Even during moments of frustration and impatience.
Yet, I will continue to love you till the end,
Even through those difficult times,
You have been my big brother, always at my side!

The deep blue sea

ComplexPTSD Crash

Sharks

I plunge into the deep blue sea,
Where sharks encircle me
and make their presence known to me
Their teeth, sharp and dangerous, I see
Fear grips me, anxious for their bite
No help within my sight
Only the sharks and I,
facing the mighty sea
Into the depths,
I’ll sink and disappear
No breath to take,
my lungs no longer filled with air
As the sand of the ocean covers me
I shall become a skeleton, all alone
a reflection of the sea’s embrace
Covered in bones with no haunting trace
Forgotten, where secrets got rotten
In the depths of the sea,
my final resting place
Embraced eternally
by its mighty embrace.

Entangled

ComplexPTSD Crash

Dangerous thoughts

Dangerous thoughts
are surfacing up in me.
I long to act upon them,
But I am forbidden to explore.
Where might they lead me?
They have the power to harm me.
I find myself in a deep hole,
Engaged in a battle within.
Where is the guiding light?
The light that brightens my path?
I am floating within myself,
Wondering if I will rediscover who I am.
It is necessary for my well-being,
Although it might not feel that way right now

Let him go

ComplexPTSD Crash

The Dragon

The dragon living within me
is black and green,
With fiery tongues
of red and orange
escaping its mouth.
I fear for myself,
But can you grasp
the fear that consumes me
when it arises?
I will keep it hidden
deep inside, within
No one shall know.
I shall retain its presence.
I dread releasing it,
It might cause harm
when it comes to the light.
I do not wish to harm myself,
yet fear lingers,
Could you take up my sword
and defeat it in my place?
The dragon inside instils fear
I yearn to set it free,
but how can I free it?
Run and hide,
but remain confined,
I am unwilling to unleash it,
Yet why am I so anxious to release it?
Help me understand,
I must find a way to let him go.

I am alright

ComplexPTSD Crash

Fear

Fear clings to my heart,
I want to hide,
but I cannot.
I am trapped in the swamp
of my own thoughts,
Where can I find refuge?
Fear is tearing me apart
Will you anchor me tide?
I am afraid of what I might do
Assure me that I am all right.
Please, do not abandon me,
For I will perish alone if you depart.
Just sit with me,
let me know that I will be okay,
Don’t rob me of my potential.
I simply wish to be myself,
Just hold my hand,
and assure me
that I will be all right.