I’ll say my final goodbye

Hester – 30 Sep 1997

Dear Hester,
I should have written this letter a very long time ago
Twenty-six years have passed since I needed to do this
But it took me so long to gather the courage
I didn’t know how to let you go
No one could guide me through it
The pain was, and still is, too deep
I miss you! And I am sorry!
I’m sorry for failing you, Helmet, and young Helmut!
I’m sorry for not asking for money for petrol
Simply because I couldn’t
Yes, my excuse was one of shame
I couldn’t bring myself to do it
It was easier to ask for a ride
Then to ask you for money
You wouldn’t have felt burdened to give me a hundred rand
You might have said, “A hundred rand is pocket change for me!”
But no, I couldn’t ask
I am so sorry for letting you down!
You weren’t supposed to leave like this
And Helmut…
I’m just so, so sorry!
I have met young Helmut
I believe he was twenty-three at the time
He doesn’t think he inherited your looks
But he carries a few traits of yours
And he has inherited a great passion for history, just like you, Haha!
At your funeral, he was only three
He called you “Mamma,” as they lowered you into your final resting place
It was as if he expected a response from you, but you couldn’t respond
Because you were already gone, so far away
I wept on his behalf
The guilt weighs heavily upon me
I can no longer carry this burden
I cannot carry it into my future
So, I will let you go
It’s not what I want
I want to keep you alive in my heart
But I can’t
I need to do this for myself
You would understand, wouldn’t you?
Though I don’t fully understand it myself
I need to release it and let you go
For the last time
But it is incredibly difficult
I will let you go…
I will try…
In, the only way I know how
I will release a balloon in your name
Please forgive me, but I need this for myself!