Whatever….

I don’t care anymore

When your feelings are so twisted
You want to tell everybody
but you end up in silence
tears are running down your face
You wish you can scream it out
but no sound is coming out

Sometimes you speak to people
But they don’t hear your cry
It looks like they are listening
But they wish you would just shut up

Then the Question:
Why would anybody,
want to listen to your S#%@
“I really don’t care, what is happening in your life.” They think
Some people think they know you
But they don’t know anything about you
 
My life was fine, but then I walk into an F#$*ing tree
Everything shifted in my head
Electricity shocks going through my head, like thunder
I thought my teeth were broken
But later, I come to the conclusion:
“My life is Broken”
I am a broken person
And then an F#$@ing tree, lets you know:
“Your whole life is shredded,
you are living in denial!”
Now, you have lots of S#^%y years to work through

First, you just went along with the feelings,
flashbacks, anxiety, nightmares, and panic attacks
Second, you start to question it.
why the feelings, flashbacks, anxiety nightmares and panic attacks
Third, you start to feel depressed and don’t understand why
Fourth, you want answers
Fifth, then you get an answer, you weren’t looking for
Doctors, Xray – neck out of place, Concussion, Whiplash, physio,
Gynie – menopause, research, psychology etc.
Sixth, suddenly everything makes sense, that’s what you think

But, then you realize, nothing makes sense
You are feeling like this, for an exceptionally long time now
But now, you have a name for it: CPTSD
Anger hits you suddenly and hard
You want to escape but you can’t
then you cry and want to hurt yourself
The Throwback, Flashbacks,
you are back in your past
every memory you can remember
It is flashing through your mind
depressed, mad, sad, angry, fearful, furious,
anxiety, painful memories, joy, laughter, pain
everything is going through your mind
you want to get your power back
But there is only one way, you know how…
everything is spinning out of control
The addiction – I need it Now!
everything is flashing
– everything is dimming
I am in control
I am hurting so badly,
but I can’t escape the pain
my heart is beating,
my breath is shallow
tears are flowing
but, I am not stopping
I need to feel the addiction
rushing through my being,
then I am released
from the pain inside of me
Suddenly I realised:
I feel better, but I am crying
Am I better, or am I worse?
I don’t care, I have the power
Now I’m broken,
I’m shredded,
I need a fix
I need it now!
it is crushing my life,
but I don’t care
I need the addiction,
I can’t go without
I feel ashamed,
I want out, But I want more…
Alcohol is smoothing the feelings
I feel fine
I feel in control,
but I’m not.
I want to get out
But, I want to stay
I want to admit it,
But, at the same time,
I will deny it
the feelings are not going away
I’m still in pain.