Tag: CPTSD

Butterfly

Butterfly fly away
With all, of my pain
Don’t return
till you find healing
for all my pain
In return
Bring me
Peace and
Happy thoughts
So, we can dance
And smile in His embrace

The Pain

To grasp the feeling of the pain
I can’t imagine what you will gain
But to embrace all the pain
The stronger you will be
For you, become better than me
The pain will disagree
But you will agree
To carry that burden is necessary for me
Throw it off and be free
For it is the way it will be
You will be free
When you feel the pain
Call it, a day
It won’t go away
You will cry
And turn away
Then the rain will fall again
On your deserted heart
Flowers will spring though
As if, it will be spring
You will know
Your heart has healed
When all is said and done
My heart will still glow
The pain will be gone
The sun will still shine
My wounds will close
And I will go
Cause you took the blow
And now I can go
Through the storm of snow
You took my hand
when I needed it so
Cause you were close to me
through this ordeal
I love you so!

I’ll be with you!

Through it all, you stuck with me
Through the thunder and the storm
Wave after wave crashed over me
But still, you were there with me
I can’t see the end
But in the end, you will be there
Standing with a robe and a crow
Just waiting there for me
You smile and say, “Well done!”
You made it through to the throw
Come sit with me till I am done
The angels are clapping and cheering me on
You made it, you made it home!

The Storm

My heart is bursting with intensity
My tears are like thunder in a storm
I can’t explain the pain
I can’t run away
I need to go through the storm
The pain is so intense
It feels like, I’m walking over glass
Everything is bleeding inside of me
But through the storm, I have to go
I can’t turn back
I need to keep on track
I want the earth to throw me out
But the tornado pulls me in
I am desperate to get out
But all the pain is sinking in
Cry, baby cry
It’s all I can try
Glass is falling out of the sky
Cutting me into pieces as I cry
But I will still testify

The Road

Sometimes I feel safer flying
Then to be on the ground
To fly is to be free,
I can breathe in the air
So, when we flew
It felt like I could breathe again and find myself
The stress was leaving me
Four months of crying went by
I was relieved from all
the suffering, pain and shame
Just to get a new load of pain washed over me
School was hard
Bullying just kept on coming my way
I was lost in my own town
I wanted to disappear
But my life was not jet done
My addiction kicked in harder
it left me hanging on the edge
And then I fell over the cliff of life
In the process, I found my family
but we lost our touch
it was strange
we knew each other
but we didn’t know each other’s hearts
and when we eventually flew again
and realised it was the last time
the last time in an awfully long time
I lost so many on the flight to “freedom”
but actually, we were only back in bondages’
‘cause she suffered from a thing “cold ice”
She was locked up in her own jail
for several years
We nearly never saw her
To me, she was not alive
But she was still around
I took the responsibilities of life on me
But no one will give me that recognition
I stood strong
when I was only weak
My heart was broken and sad
I had my own struggles to deal with
My addiction and my fear for school
I was scared to look ahead
Bullied, mocked and left alone
it made me angry and sad
I was so afraid and mad
I wanted to escape the pain
I didn’t know how to live my life
I was looking for answers
but I found none
I was all alone
Year after year
I walked the road along
No one saw me sitting sad and alone
Tears changed to anger
Sadness changed to hate
I was left alone
I was so alone
Then she tried to exchange
her life for silence
But it was not jet her time
Thereafter my pain,
My pain numbs me
I disappear along the road
No one wondered what happened to me
but I was lost in my own pain
I disappear for a while
Just to realise,
I was not really missed
I was all alone
Only my addiction kept me on the go
It was hard but I was still on the road
The addiction grew stronger
I was desperate, I wanted answers
The answers never came
I was alone in my own pain
No one asked me if I was okay
I promised myself
I will never take that train
So, I kept my promise for a very long time
But still, I wanted to jump on that train
Now, that train is gone
I am glad, I kept my promise
Still, sometimes
I’m on the lookout for that train
but I will go when my time has come
I will keep going on this road
‘cause so many took the sword
and slight it through their one hearts
But sadly, the train came by again
I didn’t hesitate
I took the jump,
but I missed it!
I was badly hurt
the train didn’t even notice me
Now I am on the rails
looking ahead to the road again

My Anchor

For so many years
my addiction anchored me
when everything was rough around me
It kept me alive
when I wanted to die
My addiction was there
when I needed an arm to hold me tide
I was grounded at my core
Even though I were strangled in my mind
I felt secure, I felt free
Now I am no longer bound by my fear
I cried and I screamed
But my Anchor holds me stable in a time of need
I did not sleep
cause fear surrounded me
but now I am secure and free
I’ll loosen the rope that holds me tide
But I can be secure and free
I need to feel the storm
the waves that are crashing in on me
I need to let myself be
It’s hard but I am free
I’ll be okay, I am free
Tears are as many as the sea
But it is cleansing me
My Anchor hanging lose
The waves are smashing in
I know I will be fine
It is rough but I am strong
I look at the storm
and know,
I’m okay for now!

Scared

I’m scared
I’m afraid
How will I react?
I want to do this
But I don’t think,
I have what it takes
I’m scared
I’m afraid
Will I get mad?
Will I hurt myself again?
If I do, will you be there,
to help me through?
I’m scared
I’m afraid
Will I say something,
something that might hurt?
Something that I can’t say or explain?
I trust you, with my heart
But I might hide,
cause I’m scared
What will you think of me?
I want to be strong for me?
But I’m scared
I’m afraid,
I’m weak
When I hide
hide with me
When I get mad
calm me down
When I get scared
sit with me
When I get afraid
take my hand
I want to do this
But I don’t …
I’m not strong enough
to go through with it
Just help me!
Confirm with me:
“I’ll be okay
I don’t have to be sacred
I don’t have to be afraid
Cause you are here
to help me through!”

The Dark side

I’m not all light
I have a dark side to hide
But that’s why I follow Jesus
so closely at my side
Because, if it wasn’t for Him
I wouldn’t be here
to see another light of day
So, if I hide
it’s not because I want to
it’s to keep me safe, so I can be me
Understand what I’m going through
It’s not for all ears to hear
But I’ll be strong to see it through
Cause I know my strength is coming from Above
And that is enough for me

Natalie Grant – You Will Be Found

Emotions

The emotions after the addiction
You want to disappear
You want to become small
You want it to stop

When it hits you
You want to get high
Nothing will or can stop you
There is not a “NO!”
in your vocabulary
There is no way,
you can stop it now
You need it now
Desperation is kicking in

Afterwards,
you are flooded with feelings
Shame, Guilt, and Anger
Afterwards,
you wish you didn’t do it
But now, it’s too late
The emotions,
they were needed
The addiction,
was all you carved
You can’t think straight
Your mind is falling apart
Your mind is losing control
I need it;
need it to stop!
I don’t like the emotions
It’s breaking me apart
Your addiction got ahead of you
You can’t stop it, any more
Then you know,
You’re in trouble, for sure!