My Anchor

For so many years
my addiction anchored me
when everything was rough around me
It kept me alive
when I wanted to die
My addiction was there
when I needed an arm to hold me tide
I was grounded at my core
Even though I were strangled in my mind
I felt secure, I felt free
Now I am no longer bound by my fear
I cried and I screamed
But my Anchor holds me stable in a time of need
I did not sleep
cause fear surrounded me
but now I am secure and free
I’ll loosen the rope that holds me tide
But I can be secure and free
I need to feel the storm
the waves that are crashing in on me
I need to let myself be
It’s hard but I am free
I’ll be okay, I am free
Tears are as many as the sea
But it is cleansing me
My Anchor hanging lose
The waves are smashing in
I know I will be fine
It is rough but I am strong
I look at the storm
and know,
I’m okay for now!

Scared

I’m scared
I’m afraid
How will I react?
I want to do this
But I don’t think,
I have what it takes
I’m scared
I’m afraid
Will I get mad?
Will I hurt myself again?
If I do, will you be there,
to help me through?
I’m scared
I’m afraid
Will I say something,
something that might hurt?
Something that I can’t say or explain?
I trust you, with my heart
But I might hide,
cause I’m scared
What will you think of me?
I want to be strong for me?
But I’m scared
I’m afraid,
I’m weak
When I hide
hide with me
When I get mad
calm me down
When I get scared
sit with me
When I get afraid
take my hand
I want to do this
But I don’t …
I’m not strong enough
to go through with it
Just help me!
Confirm with me:
“I’ll be okay
I don’t have to be sacred
I don’t have to be afraid
Cause you are here
to help me through!”

The Dark side

I’m not all light
I have a dark side to hide
But that’s why I follow Jesus
so closely at my side
Because, if it wasn’t for Him
I wouldn’t be here
to see another light of day
So, if I hide
it’s not because I want to
it’s to keep me safe, so I can be me
Understand what I’m going through
It’s not for all ears to hear
But I’ll be strong to see it through
Cause I know my strength is coming from Above
And that is enough for me

Natalie Grant – You Will Be Found

Emotions

The emotions after the addiction
You want to disappear
You want to become small
You want it to stop

When it hits you
You want to get high
Nothing will or can stop you
There is not a “NO!”
in your vocabulary
There is no way,
you can stop it now
You need it now
Desperation is kicking in

Afterwards,
you are flooded with feelings
Shame, Guilt, and Anger
Afterwards,
you wish you didn’t do it
But now, it’s too late
The emotions,
they were needed
The addiction,
was all you carved
You can’t think straight
Your mind is falling apart
Your mind is losing control
I need it;
need it to stop!
I don’t like the emotions
It’s breaking me apart
Your addiction got ahead of you
You can’t stop it, any more
Then you know,
You’re in trouble, for sure!

Angry

Today I am angry
For no specific reason
Just angry about life
Life in general
I am pissed-off
Because I don’t sleep
I am angry
Cause I am so tired
I am angry about my dreams
I’m an angry person
I am angry!!!!

Wild

I don’t write as you would read
But words are flowing out of my mind
I can catch it, as it flows
But to stop it is to stop a stream
Follow the stream where it might flow
And you will find a fountain down the road
With a rainbow to show the beauty of my mind
Words don’t come easy to me
But bump your head and words are all you get
You try to make it stop
But it’s spinning in your mind
And flowing out as you write
Words are coming up like the sun
The wind is blowing them out
Catching them is all I can do
I can’t seem to make them stop
I try to sleep
But I can’t, with all the words in my mind
Catch them while you can Cause tomorrow they’ll be gone

I am fine

I want to lie
I want to say
I am fine
But I’m not
I was fine
Really, I was fine
But now I’m in denial
I want to lie
and say I am fine
But I can’t lie, no more
My mind is crazy
I need it NOW
Cause I am an addict
Close to die
I can’t escape
I am crying out
I’m losing my mind
I’m losing my grip on life
I don’t know how to fix me
I want to disappear…