Welcome to my odyssey through Complex PTSD.
It started unexpectedly on August 9th, 2021, during a challenging 12 km hike.
The morning was calm, the air crisp, and our spirits high as we set off.
Eager and ecstatically happy, we embarked on this unforeseen difficult adventure.
However, merely five hundred meters in, I found myself falling behind.
Determined to catch up, I quickened my pace, glancing at my watch.
And then... a tree materialized before me, greeting me with a terrible greeting.
From that moment, everything shifted... thus marking the start of my life-changing journey into the world of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Anxiety overtakes me Overwhelms me, Suffocates me My breath is shallow, I need air My head wants to explode My eyes are dull My tears want to flow My mouth is dry Twisted in my thoughts Who wants to listen? Who wants to hear? I want to scream But no sound comes out I want to cry But my tears dried up I want to run But my body is numb My heart is beating excessively But there is no heartbeat My heart is twisted, without a pulse Do you see me? I am here! My mind screams – Help! But nobody hears me My eyes are lost in the desert My thoughts are far away My heart is broken My heart is in a thousand pieces Anger overwhelms me My fists are swinging, wildly in the air Anxiety brings me down It interferes with my existence
You feel, like dying But you are still alive Your whole life is flashing In front of your eyes You try to still your mind But everything, keeps on flashing in front of you Death is creeping in But dying is not an option right now Friends and family that are long gone They are “spook-king” in your dreams You try not to think But thinking; is not the problem If you only had a switch a switch to put the flashbacks on or off then the memories, would no longer be the problem, but no there is no switch to put off everything is rushing through your mind there is no way to escape there is no place to hide
Why am I still awake? Why can’t I sleep? Nightmares are creeping up on me, when I try to sleep I am so tired I am not thinking Not thinking of anything But all I’m thinking of is thinking of everything I try to be silent But my mind can’t be silent Everything is so loudly The clock is ticking My mind is talking My hand is writing My eyes want to close But the noise in my head is too loud Sleep is not an option My mind doesn’t want to shut up Tiredness is not an option But writing seems to be the thing to do The wind is blowing My dreams are calling But sleep is not an option Nightmares are creeping up on me, like a hand in the dark Nightmares are creeping up my sleeve My eyes are heavy My eyes don’t want to close, but they surely want to My mind is rushing, through the night I want to sleep I want to close my eyes Nightmares are creeping in, under me, one two three, the hours are ticking away And I can kiss my sleep away… Time is ticking My sleep is disappearing I’m losing words I’m losing sleep Nightmares are creeping in like a hand in the dark Sleep is not an option right now But tomorrow I will know The sun will greet The moon will be gone Words will be there But sleep will be gone I will smile But instead, I will cry Nightmares are stealing my sleep The sun is gone The moon is near Nightmares are real Sleep is so near My eyes are sleepy My mind is creepy I try to escape the nightmares But I can’t Tick tock, tick tock Time is ticking by My sleep is passing by…
In all of this, I was there And now, I am Here! When you were next to the traitor I was there When his hand was on your body I was there When You were frozen and shocked I was there When you were numb by fear I was there When you were fearful I was there
I know you were calling out in silence But nobody could hear your silenced call Your little brother was so small He couldn’t HELP YOU!! Your Big brother couldn’t hear you Your Dad did not know He thought you were safe
Your mom was there to say NO When they had other plans for you She saved you from MORE harm and shame They are all deeply sorry that they didn’t know! They love you! They didn’t wish you pain I was there and now, I am Here!
When your feelings are so twisted You want to tell everybody but you end up in silence tears are running down your face You wish you can scream it out but no sound is coming out
Sometimes you speak to people But they don’t hear your cry It looks like they are listening But they wish you would just shut up
Then the Question: Why would anybody, want to listen to your S#%@ “I really don’t care, what is happening in your life.” They think Some people think they know you But they don’t know anything about you
My life was fine, but then I walk into an F#$*ing tree Everything shifted in my head Electricity shocks going through my head, like thunder I thought my teeth were broken But later, I come to the conclusion: “My life is Broken” I am a broken person And then an F#$@ing tree, lets you know: “Your whole life is shredded, you are living in denial!” Now, you have lots of S#^%y years to work through
First, you just went along with the feelings, flashbacks, anxiety, nightmares, and panic attacks Second, you start to question it. why the feelings, flashbacks, anxiety nightmares and panic attacks Third, you start to feel depressed and don’t understand why Fourth, you want answers Fifth, then you get an answer, you weren’t looking for Doctors, Xray – neck out of place, Concussion, Whiplash, physio, Gynie – menopause, research, psychology etc. Sixth, suddenly everything makes sense, that’s what you think
But, then you realize, nothing makes sense You are feeling like this, for an exceptionally long time now But now, you have a name for it: CPTSD Anger hits you suddenly and hard You want to escape but you can’t then you cry and want to hurt yourself The Throwback, Flashbacks, you are back in your past every memory you can remember It is flashing through your mind depressed, mad, sad, angry, fearful, furious, anxiety, painful memories, joy, laughter, pain everything is going through your mind you want to get your power back But there is only one way, you know how… everything is spinning out of control The addiction – I need it Now! everything is flashing – everything is dimming I am in control I am hurting so badly, but I can’t escape the pain my heart is beating, my breath is shallow tears are flowing but, I am not stopping I need to feel the addiction rushing through my being, then I am released from the pain inside of me Suddenly I realised: I feel better, but I am crying Am I better, or am I worse? I don’t care, I have the power Now I’m broken, I’m shredded, I need a fix I need it now! it is crushing my life, but I don’t care I need the addiction, I can’t go without I feel ashamed, I want out, But I want more… Alcohol is smoothing the feelings I feel fine I feel in control, but I’m not. I want to get out But, I want to stay I want to admit it, But, at the same time, I will deny it the feelings are not going away I’m still in pain.
I am angry, I am furious I get so irritated with people Why do they drop me Why am I so pissed off, with them Why can’t they just keep to their appointments?
Perhaps, I was too quick to say I TRUST YOU! Perhaps, I was too quick to say I NEED YOUR HELP! Perhaps, I was too desperate to get help But hey, don’t worry
I will walk for another few days with this SHIT in my mind, The addiction is banging against my head It wants to overtake me again But don’t worry It’s only my problem It will do you no harm Because it is not your SHIT, I must deal with it!
In the Moment I am Numb I am disconnected I can’t feel my emotions I want to run away But I can’t move I am messed-up I feel so overwhelmed I can’t escape I am breathing but barely alive Get me out of my mind Get me out of this mess All these thoughts are killing me! Just get me out!
I will forgive you Not because I think, you were right But because, it’s the right thing to do Forgiveness flowing down my cheeks It’s making me clean it’s cleansing me from the inside I am free and now you are too I will not hold it against you anymore I will break the spell, I will walk away I will forgive you, it’s the right thing to do
I moved to California in the summer time I changed my name thinking that it would change my mind I thought that all my problems they would stay behind I was a stick of dynamite and it was just a matter of time, yeah All day, all night, now I can’t hide Said I knew myself but I guess I lied It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright I wrote a hundred pages but I burned them all (Yeah, I burned them all) I drove through yellow lights and don’t look back at all I don’t look back at all Yeah, you can call me reckless, I’m a cannonball (uh, I’m a cannonball) Don’t know why I take the tightrope and cry when I fall All day, all night, now I can’t hide Said I knew what I wanted but I guess I lied It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright Oh-oh-oh-oh, it’s alright To be lost sometimes It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay If you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright
CPTSD Crash 