Today I am OK
I am OK with myself
OK with my emotions,
actions and feelings
My mind is silent
My thoughts
are not rushing through my mind
I am OK with my addiction
I have no urge to get high
Today my life is not about all the why’s
I am not feeling down
My mind is not spinning around
I am safe
I can breathe
I am OK for now
I’ve gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don’t want less
I don’t want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe to keep me warm
Yeah my life is what I’m fighting for
Can’t part the sea
Can’t reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won’t let this pull me overboard
God keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown
It gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
So pull me up from down below
‘Cause I’m underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now I need you most
God keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown
It gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
Keep my head above water above water
And I can’t see in the stormy weather
I can’t seem to keep it all together
And I can’t swim the ocean like this forever
And I can’t breathe
God keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me
I’ll be waiting
I’m too young to fall asleep
God keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown
It gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown
Keep my head above water above water
Why do I keep fighting for my life?
Why can’t I just enjoy my life?
I am in a fight with myself to survive
I pull the sword on my own life
No idea why
I wound myself in the war
Just to get up again, to fight
I try to run away
but I am still, in the shadow of myself
Blood is flowing from my veins
I try to stop it
but I am still, fighting against myself
“Do you want to die?
Do you want to run away?”
I’m asking myself
“I will hold you in my hand, You are mine!”
But the suffering is real
The blood pouring from my veins is warm
I am losing consciousness,
but I will, keep on fighting this war
Death is staring me in the eye
But I can’t, lose this fight
I will keep on fighting for my life
Even though I am going to die!
Nobody asks for trouble in their lives
But sometimes trouble comes your way
If you ask for it or not
So, life was always a bit of a struggle
With undiagnosed ADHD, Dyslexia and
so many other traumas,
I didn’t even realise it, at that time
Life was not easy at all
Especially not in school
So, my life was, No, it IS difficult
Everything was a struggle
To read
To wright
To learn
To make friends
To connect
Shame, Fear and Guilt
Was my shadow
it was just something in my life
I didn’t know better
Nobody was aware of my struggles
But I was always aware of it
I was bullied because of it
I was called names because of it
I was left out because of it
I didn’t know how to tell anyone
I hadn’t had the vocabulary at that time
I hadn’t had the emotional strength to confront it
I was a kid, with no knowledge
I was aware, something was not right
But what was wrong?
I was a kid, in an unsafe world
Eventually, life becomes better
I choose to be happy
I choose to not think of the past
Everything went fine
It was working for me
Everything was simply fine
But really? Nothing was fine
I have pressed everything down
Until that one day
That unexpected day
A day that was supposed to be fun
That day, everything changed
My life was thrown into darkness
My life changed
I didn’t ask for it
It just happened
A tree, I didn’t saw
I walk into it
I bumped my head
It was extremely hard
Everything changed in a second
My life was pulled out, under me
Flashbacks started
Tiredness kicked in
Pain in my body was numbing me
Nightmares kept me awake
Fear was over showering my being
My brain was broken
I was broken
What was wrong?
After some research
It becomes clear
It is called CPTSD
My life was upside-down
Every Trauma I went through
Was flashing in front of me
I was thrown into a tornado
I had no control over myself
My emotions were scrabbled
My mind was crazy
I couldn’t sleep
I couldn’t work
I couldn’t live
But I was still living
Life was going on
But my life STOPPED for a while
That is how everything started
It’s still a struggle
But life is going on
Some days I live
Some days I drown
Some days I die
Some days are just empty
and some days are only a blur
But life is going on…
and this is the reason
for all the inside feelings
I am pouring out into writing
You might like it or hate it
But this is my journey
The journey of MY CPTSD
Emotions are spinning out of control
the urge is too intense,
I can’t control it anymore
The pictures are so vivid in my mind,
It feels so real, I can touch them with my hands
I feel their breath on my skin
I am an addict – everything is spinning
I am losing control
I’m spinning out of control
I want it to stop, but I am an addict
I can’t go without it, any more
What is wrong with me
Nobody seems to understand
The internet is telling me, I am “right”
But what about the world
No one seems to know
I am an addict, spinning out of control
The urge is to must, I can’t control it anymore
My head is screaming stop,
but my body wants more My mind goes numb
my hands are trembling
The feeling makes me scream
My eyes tilt backwards in my head
The urge is gone, But only for a second
I need more, I am an addict in need of more
Blood rushes through my body,
I need more, the feeling isn’t going away
I am an addict, the urge, for the feeling
It’s blowing my mind, I am numb
My eyes rolled back in my head
My hands are trembling
The feelings subside
I want to cry, I want to scream
My life is spinning out of control
Verse 1
I’m losing my sleep
I’m losing my mind
The enemy surrounds me
Can I win this fight Should I even try?
Verse 2
The pain is too heavy
It’s too hard bear
I’m feeling so lonely
Is anyone there
Someone who cares?
Pre-chorus
I’ve been wandering around try to fix it alone
But I didn’t know how, how to let go
I was prisoned and bruised, cried for you to come through
You dried my tears and held me close to you
Chorus
So I will be fine
Be stronger this time
In lows and in highs
I’ll be alright
You will hold me tight
You saw me try’in
Heard my battle cry
You purified
Now I’ll testify
‘Bout the Author of my life
You write my story,
So I don’t have to worry
I will be fine
Through the Author of my life
Verse 3
The stormy winds blew
Me further from You
All that I once knew
Is lost in this view
What is the truth?
Verse 4
Why Lord, Oh why
Why me
You said You’ll provide
Didn’t You see
The darkness in me
Pre-chorus
I’ve been wandering around
try to fix it
But I didn’t know how, how to let go
I was prisoned and bruised, cried for you to come through
You dried my tears and held me close to you
Chorus
So I will be fine
Be stronger this time
In lows and in highs
I’ll be alright
You will hold me tight
You saw me try’in
Heard my battle cry
You purified
Now I’ll testify
‘Bout the Author of my life
You write my story,
So I don’t have to worry
I will be fine
Through the Author of my life
Bridge
I won’t carry this weight no more
I’m so done with hiding, I’ll open the door
For my Saviour
Author of my life
Chorus
So I will be fine
Be stronger this time
In lows and in highs
I’ll be alright
You will hold me tight
You saw me try’in
Heard my battle cry
You purified
Now I’ll testify
‘Bout the Author of my life
You write my story,
So I don’t have to worry
I will be fine
Through the Author of my life
When you feel lost in your own skin
And your mind is wandering off
You reach out to someone and hope they will find your lost soul
A friendly smile, a gentle voice that calls your name
Then you know you are safe to fall through the cracks
You hear their whisper, you feel their touch
You know you are safe for a while
I find myself, despite all this mess
I know I will survive through this hardship
I am weak, but I am strong
I am lost, but I am found
I am here, but I am not
I will find a new way out
I will look up and see the light through the darkness
I know I am not alone, but I must face this by myself
You can hold my hand, but I will have to do this on my own
I will cry
I will scream
I will be angry, ashamed, and naked
But I will face my fears
Change my mind
Change my soul
Change the way I’m looking around
It might be hard
It will be tuff
But I want to see the light
I will fall, but won’t be crushed
I will cry, but I won’t drown
I will stumble, but won’t go under
It’s hard for now, but later I will fly
I want to be free; I want to let go
I want to laugh; I want to be me!
I will stand strong even though I am weak
I will face it like a giant, even though I am small
I will change, even though I am afraid
But in the end, I will be stronger than before
I am afraid that I have no courage
I am scared but I will survive
I am overwhelmed but I must pull through
I will succeed, even though I fall over and over again
I will pull through, it’s a new day…
When life does not co-operate with you
You feel lost, drowning in your own thoughts…
You want to escape you want to get out
Wave after wave knocks you down
you are barely breathing
Confusion sets in,
you try to run but you don’t get anywhere
Your mind doesn’t want to shut up
it keeps on screaming
it keeps on banging you with thoughts
Your heart wants to fade
Your heart and mind are at war
You want them to stop, but they just go on
You fear for your own life, it numbs you
The earth will swallow you alive
Keep on breathing, keep yourself together
No one sees the fight you have with yourself
Life passes you by
Lost in yourself
You pull the sword to end it all
You fall to your knees
Tears are running down your cheeks
You want it all to stop, you want out
Fear and confused, you cry out
Help me, help me!
But no help arrives
The earth is spinning
Your life flashes before your eyes
You scream, make it stop!
Pain, shame, fear, and anger tear you apart
The pain is so intense
You feel cold and confused
It doesn’t seem to stop
I am drowning, I am falling
You try to escape, but it’s not working
You give yourself over to the pain, fear, and shame
It swallows you alive
It’s tearing you apart
You fall on your face
Screaming, let me out
Why are the memories so vivid, so clear?
You can feel the hand on your body
The pain going through your mind
My heart can’t take it anymore
My heart is leaving me broken
But still, I am breathing
Bearley alive, but still fully alive
Colours are spinning,
thoughts are rushing inside of me
I am falling apart, but no one seems to notice
Smile, it will get better with time,
you will forget, it will subside
But it is hunting you like a horror movie
It’s getting worse, not better
The pain in your heart breaks you down
Your heart is bleeding
your heart is fading away
Tears are not enough to express the hurt and pain
you can’t explain what you are feeling
It’s tearing you apart
But you are still alive
You are still breathing
But at the same time,
you are drowning – dying inside
The Panic attacks
It’s tearing you apart
The fear is so intense
You can’t escape the tears
The flashbacks are killing you
The intensity of dying overpowers you
Your thoughts are overwhelming you
You can’t get out
You can’t escape
You try to hide,
but can’t get small enough to disappear
Fear is gripping your heart
The pain makes your heart, ache
Your heart seems to miss a beat
But it’s not enough to let you die
You want out
But fear keeps you there
You want to kill the thoughts,
but it is too much, alive
Speak to someone, get it out
tell someone,
dig into the fear and pain
Get so close to the pain
that you can feel it brush over you
But still, it is like,
it is swallowing you alive
There seems to be no escape
Anger is flooding your being
There appears to be no escape
You are torn apart inside
No one understands
You are in pain, and it won’t go away
Your heart wants to stop
Your mind is not obeying
Help is not on the way
Tears of fear running down your face
I’m dying, but no one is noticing
Then it’s too late, and you are gone!
CPTSD Crash 