Welcome to my odyssey through Complex PTSD.
It started unexpectedly on August 9th, 2021, during a challenging 12 km hike.
The morning was calm, the air crisp, and our spirits high as we set off.
Eager and ecstatically happy, we embarked on this unforeseen difficult adventure.
However, merely five hundred meters in, I found myself falling behind.
Determined to catch up, I quickened my pace, glancing at my watch.
And then... a tree materialized before me, greeting me with a terrible greeting.
From that moment, everything shifted... thus marking the start of my life-changing journey into the world of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I’ll pray for you I care about you I want to help you through I’ll be here for you To see you through Don’t be shy to tell me you’re not okay I feel your pain I know you hurt Don’t be shy to tell me you’re not okay I’m here for you to help you though I’ll pray for you As long as you need me to You will pull through Cause I’ll pray for you You will be strong To pull it through Don’t give in I’m here for you I’ll pray for you So, you’ll see the light It might take long But I’m here for you I’ll pray for you Cause I care about you I’ll see you soon
My heart is going to burst into a thousand pieces I can’t carry this much pain I will be crushed under the circumstances Will you help me? Will you carry me through? My eyes are blurry from all the crying I can’t feel my emotions anymore My feet are slipping I am falling Where is the ground? Where can I stand? Can I find peace in myself I am crushed by my emotions All I see is darkness Where is the light Why am I alone? No hand to hold I write in the night When everything is silent No one can judge me for all my faults But you are there on your knees Praying for me I feel the grace all over me I know I will survive But for how long must I wait? My emotions are all over the place I can’t faint Just keep on praying Please pray for me!
Butterfly fly away With all, of my pain Don’t return till you find healing for all my pain In return Bring me Peace and Happy thoughts So, we can dance And smile in His embrace
To grasp the feeling of the pain I can’t imagine what you will gain But to embrace all the pain The stronger you will be For you, become better than me The pain will disagree But you will agree To carry that burden is necessary for me Throw it off and be free For it is the way it will be You will be free When you feel the pain Call it, a day It won’t go away You will cry And turn away Then the rain will fall again On your deserted heart Flowers will spring though As if, it will be spring You will know Your heart has healed When all is said and done My heart will still glow The pain will be gone The sun will still shine My wounds will close And I will go Cause you took the blow And now I can go Through the storm of snow You took my hand when I needed it so Cause you were close to me through this ordeal I love you so!
Through it all, you stuck with me Through the thunder and the storm Wave after wave crashed over me But still, you were there with me I can’t see the end But in the end, you will be there Standing with a robe and a crow Just waiting there for me You smile and say, “Well done!” You made it through to the throw Come sit with me till I am done The angels are clapping and cheering me on You made it, you made it home!
My heart is bursting with intensity My tears are like thunder in a storm I can’t explain the pain I can’t run away I need to go through the storm The pain is so intense It feels like, I’m walking over glass Everything is bleeding inside of me But through the storm, I have to go I can’t turn back I need to keep on track I want the earth to throw me out But the tornado pulls me in I am desperate to get out But all the pain is sinking in Cry, baby cry It’s all I can try Glass is falling out of the sky Cutting me into pieces as I cry But I will still testify
Sometimes I feel safer flying Then to be on the ground To fly is to be free, I can breathe in the air So, when we flew It felt like I could breathe again and find myself The stress was leaving me Four months of crying went by I was relieved from all the suffering, pain and shame Just to get a new load of pain washed over me School was hard Bullying just kept on coming my way I was lost in my own town I wanted to disappear But my life was not jet done My addiction kicked in harder it left me hanging on the edge And then I fell over the cliff of life In the process, I found my family but we lost our touch it was strange we knew each other but we didn’t know each other’s hearts and when we eventually flew again and realised it was the last time the last time in an awfully long time I lost so many on the flight to “freedom” but actually, we were only back in bondages’ ‘cause she suffered from a thing “cold ice” She was locked up in her own jail for several years We nearly never saw her To me, she was not alive But she was still around I took the responsibilities of life on me But no one will give me that recognition I stood strong when I was only weak My heart was broken and sad I had my own struggles to deal with My addiction and my fear for school I was scared to look ahead Bullied, mocked and left alone it made me angry and sad I was so afraid and mad I wanted to escape the pain I didn’t know how to live my life I was looking for answers but I found none I was all alone Year after year I walked the road along No one saw me sitting sad and alone Tears changed to anger Sadness changed to hate I was left alone I was so alone Then she tried to exchange her life for silence But it was not jet her time Thereafter my pain, My pain numbs me I disappear along the road No one wondered what happened to me but I was lost in my own pain I disappear for a while Just to realise, I was not really missed I was all alone Only my addiction kept me on the go It was hard but I was still on the road The addiction grew stronger I was desperate, I wanted answers The answers never came I was alone in my own pain No one asked me if I was okay I promised myself I will never take that train So, I kept my promise for a very long time But still, I wanted to jump on that train Now, that train is gone I am glad, I kept my promise Still, sometimes I’m on the lookout for that train but I will go when my time has come I will keep going on this road ‘cause so many took the sword and slight it through their one hearts But sadly, the train came by again I didn’t hesitate I took the jump, but I missed it! I was badly hurt the train didn’t even notice me Now I am on the rails looking ahead to the road again
I’m in my safe place But I’m not safe with myself I don’t want to have an addiction But, I have Everything was crumbling under me But, I had me I had control over myself, I thought But not everything went as planned The addiction took its tall over me Now I’m free, but I’m not I’ll let it go I have no more control But, I want to cry I want to scream I acknowledge: I’m in need I’ll let it go I’ll let it out Be free and scream Free yourself from the fear Everything, doesn’t have to be in control Be safe with me I’m scared, I’m afraid I want to hide, I want to run Help me escape The addiction took its tall over me My identity was broken My identity was stolen I was broken and lost I thought I was safe But I was not A boy I wanted to be But I couldn’t If only I get hurt I might just change If it doesn’t go away, Then you’ll be a boy Forever to stay It might just be So, I hurt myself in the hope that it will change me But it didn’t My dad said: “It will be over before you turn into a boy” Now I’m only in pain Everything hurts but nothing is wrong I want to hide I want to run I want to die… Even my granny thought … I was a boy It cut so deep It hurt me so I’m not a girl My heart sunk My tears were near But I couldn’t cry I’m not a boy, neither am I a girl What am I then, I wondered? So, I turn to porn and it marked it clear I’m just a nobody Not worthy of dignity Just to realize I’m a nobody My heart sunk even deeper My eyes were wet But, I was stuck I was a nobody I screamed I cried I’m in control of myself I have my addiction I’m strong But I’m weak My safe place, is not safe for me I hurt myself It hurt my heart I’m ashamed of me My feelings – guilt is all over me I’m lost I want to kiss my friend But she’s not like me She keeps calm and kind But I want to hide I want out I’m hurting our hearts Tears are flowing I want to run I want out But I’m stuck in the mud I don’t want to be like this I want to be me But, who am I really? I thought I was safe But safe is not safe anymore I’m lost I can’t find myself Am I free now? I don’t want to be me But who do you want me to be? The addiction took a tall over me I want to cry Get this feeling out of me I want to be free I want to be me I’m a girl I’m not a boy? The addiction took a tall over me I’m lost I’m broken I don’t know who I am Will I be free? I’ll let go I’ll find myself Even when I’m not I’m in control Control of my own world But I’m not free to live I’m strangled by my addiction I’m strangled in my own mind I want out I’m afraid to let this one go I’m losing my mind I’m scared I want to run I want to hide and never come out Will I be myself? Will I escape my fear? Will I be able to feel I am in control? I’m scared to find out who I am I’m afraid to show you the real me Will, you still love me? Will, you still be there for me? I’m here, I’m free I’m me, a girl you see I can breathe and be me!
Dear Hester, I should have written this letter a very long time ago Twenty-six years have passed since I needed to do this But it took me so long to gather the courage I didn’t know how to let you go No one could guide me through it The pain was, and still is, too deep I miss you! And I am sorry! I’m sorry for failing you, Helmet, and young Helmut! I’m sorry for not asking for money for petrol Simply because I couldn’t Yes, my excuse was one of shame I couldn’t bring myself to do it It was easier to ask for a ride Then to ask you for money You wouldn’t have felt burdened to give me a hundred rand You might have said, “A hundred rand is pocket change for me!” But no, I couldn’t ask I am so sorry for letting you down! You weren’t supposed to leave like this And Helmut… I’m just so, so sorry! I have met young Helmut I believe he was twenty-three at the time He doesn’t think he inherited your looks But he carries a few traits of yours And he has inherited a great passion for history, just like you, Haha! At your funeral, he was only three He called you “Mamma,” as they lowered you into your final resting place It was as if he expected a response from you, but you couldn’t respond Because you were already gone, so far away I wept on his behalf The guilt weighs heavily upon me I can no longer carry this burden I cannot carry it into my future So, I will let you go It’s not what I want I want to keep you alive in my heart But I can’t I need to do this for myself You would understand, wouldn’t you? Though I don’t fully understand it myself I need to release it and let you go For the last time But it is incredibly difficult I will let you go… I will try… In, the only way I know how I will release a balloon in your name Please forgive me, but I need this for myself!
I’m in pain, I don’t know if I can bear it for so long I am awakened by the shocks in my body Time is standing still My pain is eating my inside I am awake more than asleep I am shaking like a leaf Curled up in the position I find myself laying in I am in pain How long must I bear this pain I am crying unstoppable, so sad I am in pain My body hurts so bad I want to get out of this pain Curled up like a fetus I am laying there I am in extraordinary pain Time has stopped, I am awake Shaking like a leaf awakens me from my sleep I am in pain can I bear it a little longer I want to faint I am in extraordinary pain
CPTSD Crash 